Thursday, May 9, 2013
My coffee cup rises to hide my tear stained face as the car goes by. I suppose I could have chosen to keep my grief inside on the couch but my home is already too full of strewn tissues and tear stained pillows. This morning I mourn outside. I refuse to let my grief shelter me from the world. Well today I do. Maybe not yesterday and maybe not tomorrow but today I choose to move.
The slight breeze cools the tears as they fall, refreshing my hot puffy eyes. The bird's relentless worship takes no notice of my sobs, or do they? The traffic regularly and with routine drives by without notice of the one of the porch having one of the more intense few days of her life.
How does the world continue when I know there are so many people this very minute feeling so intensely? How does it keep moving when so many of us are forced to stop by the load of pain given to us by this hurting world? Does it not know that we hurt? We feel like we can't go on? Why did the world not stop?
Sadly, it our pain is not new to the world, it is only new to us. This moment, this pain is only new to me.
I am both offended and yet comforted by the fact that the world is continuing Offended that it has not stopped the very second my heart burst with the pain of losing such a dear friend and then I realize if it stopped completely the pain would consume me. The breeze would have to stop and my tears would continue to burn my eyes instead of refresh them. The birds' worship would stop and I would not be reminded between sobs that there is a creator. The heaviness of my pain would not be broken into by the bird songs reminding me that there is something bigger, someone bigger that has got me in this. The world kept going for a reason.
Pain happens. Pain hurts and it is all too real. But the world continues and what at first appears like a big cosmic slap in the face turns out to be the therapeutic rhythm of a world that knows pain but keeps moving so we are not consumed by the pain. Our creator has chosen to help us move through the tragic parts of life by keeping His world going.
I almost missed that today as I hid behind my coffee mug. I almost stayed in the despair but the breeze, the birds and the traffic as observed from my front porch, told me different. Yes our pain is real and it is devastating but God has ordered this world to keep moving so we do not get consumed by it all together.
I will continue to be in pain for a while, I will continue to cry and sob and wonder, but God will continue to minister to me through his people and world doing very ordinary things in extraordinary ways. I am thankful for this rhythm.
Dani, I already miss you reading my blogs, I miss your comments, I miss your smile and I miss your heart. Your death has stopped my world and it will not be the same without you. But I will continue to move forward with your friendship etched my heart to work and live in a hurting world, because everyone needs to know they count. I hope you know that now my dear friend.
Posted by Allie MacPhail at 8:02 AM
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Posted by Allie MacPhail at 6:34 AM
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Posted by Allie MacPhail at 2:27 PM